50 shades of cufflinks…The Bared to You edition by Sylvia Day

July 2, 2012 erotica, I wish zombies would come eat the MC, lady writers, romance 2

For our next group read we picked the super supremo Fifty Shades of Grey-esque novel Bared to You by Sylvia Day. Will we like it? Who knows? Will there be mockery? Of course, is my name Lori? I know I just answered a question with a question. Just deal with it!!!

So far I am liking it better than Fifty Shades of Grey. ~Kami

Uhh I feel like that’s traitorous Kami. You LOVED Fifty. -Lori

I am feeling a little traitorous at the moment. ~Kami

“After I completed an elevator ride up to the twentieth floor, I’d have a general time frame for the whole route door to door. Score.”pg. 5 Five whole pages in and she’s already giving us pointless information and expecting us to be excited about it…only, not, because there is no excalmation mark. Score. Sorta. -Lori

“The custom three-piece suit hit more than a few of my hot buttons” pg. 6 How the hell do you get turned on by a fucking suit? I can imagine getting turned on by this:

or in case you are immune to the charms of Becks–this:
Cuz you know it’s a shirtless David Beckham and Channing Tatummmmmmmmmmmmmm……………………wait what was I talking about. Oh yeah sexy suits. But getting turned on by this:
nope….does nothing for me. David Beckham/Channing Tatum in a suit:
Not as hot. Sorry ladies. I only like Becks/Channing half naked. Yep, I know. I am shallow. -Lori
Confession: I dont dig guys in suits, they just dont do it for me. Give me a guy in some cowboy boots, jeans, and a t-shirt and I’m all yours. ~Kami
Let’s continue shall we…
“As he stared back, he altered…as if a shield slid away from his eyes, revealing a scorching force of will that sucked the air from my lungs.” Pg.6 

not scary at all….scoarching force fields coming from some random dudes eyes. Yep I’d be cumming in my pants too. Lori

“His voice was cultured and smooth, with a rasp that made my stomach flutter. It brought sex to mind. Extraordinary sex. I thought for a moment that he might be able to make me orgasm just by talking long enough.”pg.7 Eva—Meet Ana…she has the same vaginal nervous disorder that you have…though I can’t seem to locate it on bing
“There was a sleek black Bentley SUV in front of the building, and I saw my reflection in the spotless tinted windows of the limo.” pg. 8 —We’ve got another contender for Mensa here folks…
Above is the Bentley SUV. This is a Bentley limo–not even remotely the same car. -Lori

“As I melded into the flow of foot traffic and set off toward the gym, a smile teased my mouth. Ah, New York, I thought, feeling settled again. You rock.” pg. 10 LOL this makes me think of the worst Madonna song ever— And I love Madge…but this song…just no. 

“My only choices were either too much alcohol or a whirl with my vibrator, and damned if I’d have a battery-provided orgasm starrying Dark and Dangerous” pg. 26. LOL…I don’t know. This just made me giggle. A lot. Plus what young single 20 something only owns ONE vibrator? And wouldn’t the wine just make you that much more likely to take a whirl? -Lori
Lori, just how many vibrators do you own??? ~Kami

“I couldn’t imagine him not fucking well and being aggressive about it, taking what he wanted in a way that made a woman wild to give it to him” pg.29. I cannot believe this sentence made it past an editor. It’s just clunky. -Lori

“Because I want to fuck you, Eva. I need to know what’s standing in my way, if anything.” Cross. pg. 31. Hmm…how about the fact that you are a dick, douchebag and supreme asshole. And by chance are you related to Christian Grey? -Lori

“Damn it. My eyes closed. Gideon Cross. I thought the name suited him. It was sexy and elegantly masculine as the man himself.” pg. 32. Really? I think it sounds like a D-List porn star name. -Lori

“I’m offended by how he just threw it out there. I hate feeling like a vagina with legs.” pg. 33. Oh, Eva, you have made it very clear at this point that you ARE a vagina with legs. Come on. An almost orgasm just from his voice? -Lori

“How did she know where I was? ‘She tracked your cell phone.’ ‘No way,’ I breathed, deflating into my seat.” pg. 39. Oh I get it. The crack whore had a sister. So not only is Eva related to Christian Grey but there is a good possibility that Cross is too. Lovely. I love a good twisted incestial romp. V.C. would be proud. – Lori

“Releasing me, he withdrew a lone key from his pocket and plugged it into the panel. All the lights (on the elevator) cleared except for the one for the top floor.” pg. 43? Yep…he is related to Christian–extreme creep-Grey. How is being locked in an elevator with a guy you barely know sexy? I don’t care how sexy he is–that shit is scary. -Lori
I agree, he is pretty creepy in the beginning. ~Kami

“‘Are you kidding’ I scowled. ‘Listen to yourself. Why even call it a fuck? Why not be clear and call it a seminal emission in a preapproved orifice?'” pg.48 Ok, I have to admit. I like Eva a lot more than those other two chicks from those two books this on seems to mimick. She’s got spunk and back bone. That line is pretty classy. -Lori
I laughed when I read this, cuz really point made Eva! ~Kami

“You look beautiful and fuckable. I want you so badly it hurts. I’m dangerously close to taking you back to the couch and making you come ’til you beg me to stop.” pg.48 I mean really who wouldn’t want someone to say that to you? ~Kami
*Raises Hand*–I would probably die of laughter if someone said this to me. This shit makes me seriously uncomfortable. I don’t even like being called ‘baby’. -Lori

“I can still feel you, Eva. Still taste you. I’ve been hard since you left, through two meetings and one teleconference. You’ve got the advantage; state your demands.” pg.53 I kinda like this  Gideon, aka Christian, aka Edward….~Kami

I hate the nickname Angel, but mainly just because its the name of my ex-husband. Couldnt he call her sweetcheeks, or even something generic like honey or baby? ~Kami
LOL Kami. At least he didn’t call her Artie. That would be super awkward AND cringe inducing. ~Lori

The sex in this book is marathonic. Cross is definately no 2 minute Christian Grey. But Eva…oh dear horny little Eva. She puts Ana to shame. She has not one, not two, not three but FOUR orgasms in the course of one sexual encounter.
“He did, with the gentlest of suction and a hard lick. I writhed as the orgasm jolted through me, my core tensing violently, my limbs shaking.” pg. 140 Numero Uno
“When he drew on my clit with steady, rhythmic suction, I came again, crying out hoarsely. Then he had three fingers in me, twisting and opening me. ‘No’ My head tossed from side to side, every inch of my skin tingling and burning. ‘No more.’ ‘Once more,’ he coaxed hoarsely. ‘Once more, then I’ll fuck you.'” pg.141 Numero Dos
“He massaged a tender spot inside me and an orgasm pulsed through me in a slow, heated roll of delight, no less devastating for being gentler than the two before it.” pg 141. Numero Tres
I climaxed in a rush that had me sobbing his name…” pg. 144. Numero Quatro
–Seriously. He just gave her FOUR orgasms in the course of half an hour and she’s fucking complaining. There are probably women out there that don’t even have that many in the course of whole relationships. What a whiner. You take those orgasms Eva. You take them for womankind everywhere. Don’t be a whiny bitch. You stand up and say YES PLEASE when a man does that to you!!!! LMFAO. I love my hobby. Where else can I make fun of such beautiful prose. ~Lori

I am laughing my ass of at you right now Lori. In my head I am seeing you wearing a strap-on doing Eva while yelling “You take those orgasms Eva. You take them for womankind everywhere.”  Yes clearly I am not right in the head, but you already knew that. ~Kami

LMFAO Kami. How did you know I would have to be “a top” in a lesbian relationship? -Lori

I am actually picturing you doing this doggy style. ~Kami

Yes I realize there is a gap in between big O number 3 and big O number 4. Some serious LOL dialoge happened during this gap. I was going to save it for my review…but maybe I’ll be nice and put one in here….hmm which one. I have two that are priceless…
“‘I’ve never been so hard and thick. I’m so deep in you…I can feel it against my stomach…feel my dick pounding you.'” Cross-pg143. Ouch, that seriously sounds painful. In case you haven’t had the pleasure of reading this book, Cross talks like that all the time. He is constantly saying cringe worthy shit. If you thought the personal Christian flavored popsicle was gross/funny/inappropriate in Fifty…then you’ll love this one. -Lori

There are a few chapters between this awesome exchange and where my notes pick up. I admit they are pretty gut wrenching. This is another book that deals with the subject of rape. I just can’t bring myself to mock these scenes. So you’ll have to excuse the gap in my commentary.

I gripped his waistband. “You dont have to –“
“Yes, I do.” His voice had that wickedly assertive bite to it. “If you crave something, I’ll be the one to give it to you. All of your needs, Eva, are mine to fulfill. Whatever it costs me.” pg244
Millions of women would give anything to have a man care so much for them and say this to them.
In this scene they are both confronting something they neither are comfortable doing, but both of them push forward in an attempt to erase some of the damage their pasts has caused them. Even as twisted as this scene is  (with them being at his parents house in the library) I loved this scene. It was one of healing. ~Kami

“Oh, Eva,” he crooned, running his index finger through my slick cleft. “Look how greedy you are for me. It’s a full time job keeping this sweet little cunt satisfied.” pg269 Say what?!?! Maybe I am just predisposed to hating that word so I immediately hate this sentence. It is in this book a lot though.  ~Kami
Well Kami–you have to choose either he calls her Angel or he calls her vag a cunt. Can’t be a greedy C U Next Tuesday…..LMFAO. I don’t love the word Cunt but I have studied it’s origins and know that it can be used as a word as empowerment. However we have let societies ran by men control and use this word to oppress us. Like it is being used in this book. It’s being used as a dirty pillow talk. /Feminist Rant -Lori

He sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his socks. “She’s a friend, Eva, and she’s in a rough spot. It’s a cruel time to cut her off.”
“Think carefully, Gideon. I have exes in my past, too. You’re setting the precedent now for how I’ll handle them. I’m taking my cues from you.” pg343
I love this part. This is what I mean when I say Eva has a backbone and stands up for herself. ~Kami
Yep. She does. The number one redeeming part of this book is that she isn’t a doormat. -Lori

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Lori

I'm a mother, and I love reading. What else is there to know?

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  • Loved this post! I was laughing the entire time! 🙂 You girls are hilarious!!

    • 😀 Thanks.
      @Kami well isn’t that a little personal. LOL. I’ll text you and let you know how many I have…or don’t have. When I was in college we wanted to start a “dildo/vibrator the 3rd world compaign. A vibrator for every woman.”