The Very Best Way to Sell Books…or Not.

April 26, 2014 Feature, general update, I wish zombies would come eat the MC 5

*Note this article is going to be full of smartass. If you can’t handle sarcasm then this might not be a post for you!
Trust me. I know not all authors are like this. It’s not even the majority. It’s Satire.*

The Top Five Ways to Sell Your Book, Approach Bloggers, and get more fans! (The Satire Edition!)

5.) Approach each and every negative review like they are killing your puppies. Defend yourself, call them names, and for the love of your puppies make sure to call them a bully for hating the book.
-This lets everyone know that you are a passionate person. It will inspire readers to buy loads of your books. Trust me.

4.) Do a google search for pre-made book covers, buy the cheapest one you can find.* Or make it yourself using your cool new iPhone app.
-People don’t care what that cover looks like anyway. They care about the blurb. And they totally take the time to read samples on Amazon. So what if your book cover looks like my cat ate too fast and barfed on my mom’s chair again. The book world is not full of shallow cover whores.**

3.) When at first you don’t succeed, create fake drama.
-If your drama creates sympathy then people will want to support you, with their money. When you create the right kind of drama, you are basically cashing checks. But please make it fake. We don’t want your real life bullshit. Then you are being too sensitive. And are probably a woman. We will mock this.

2.) Your street team are basically your minions of evil.
-Encourage them to be as aggressive as possible. Post every negative review in your group. NEVER EVER stop them from commenting on those reviews. And because they are free to do what they want, you have no responsibility for their shitty behavior. Oh and ask them to up vote the positive reviews….but make sure you imply that the negative ones should be voted unhelpful. But NEVER say that out loud.
-If your minions suck and/or have integrity, or you just don’t have any: Two Words. Sock Puppets. Take that shit in hand and manipulate every reviewing system, and even reviewers themselves. They aren’t smart people they will never figure it out.

1.) Sex sells.
-Yes. I want to see a picture of your penis with that review request***. Please send it to me.
-Also you don’t ever need to finish your paranormal series you were working so hard on. Because NA-erotica is in now. Not that other shit.

*I’ve done this search. There are LOADS of good covers for every price range. That might have to be a post for another day.

**Except that it is. Spending a bit more than $10 on a cover is probably a good idea. Unless you’re writing alternative erotica. Then by all means by that cover. The worse the cover the more money I will spend on it. <-That’s not sarcasm.
**Sadly, or happily I  have not received peen in a review request. Yet. There is still hope out there folks. Tons of hope.


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I'm a mother, and I love reading. What else is there to know?

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  • tracy

    Wait, was that some sarcasm I detected?! Spot on, sistah!!

    • Lori Parker

      Thanks! 😀

  • Erin Hayes

    THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING WRONG! *prints off list, makes checklist, and waits for the sales to come in. MUahahahaha. Number 1 might be a hard one for me to do though, as I don’t have the necessary equipment to send out pics. xx

    • Lori Parker

      The internet is full of tumblr sex blogs. If you don’t have one, just find a good one and use it! 😉

  • Bahahah! Love it!