How To Date A Zombie
Disclaimer: This site and its members do not claim to have personal experience with dating zombies, and offers no guarantee that the following tips will keep you safe.
1. Do not wear bacon flavored perfume. Do not season your skin with salt and pepper. Do not take a bath in bbq sauce. Just… don’t taste good.
2. Do not wear skimpy clothing. Turtlenecks and bulky sweaters are essential, and an under layer of kevlar is highly recommended.
3. Do play loud music. The sound of your still-beating heart is like ringing a dinner bell. If music is not an option, insist your undead date wear earplugs.
4. Do keep a distance of ten meters between you and your date at all times. If he/she makes a grab for you, jab them with your poking stick.
5. Do carry a poking stick.
6. Do bring a jar of formaldehyde on every date. When your date’s fingers fall off, slip them into the jar for convenient preservation.
7. Leashes and restraints are optional.
8. Do bring a makeup kit, including glue, to allow for touch ups and skin reapplication. Nothing says “bad date” like skin sloughing.
9. Do order raw steak for your date, to ensure that his/her appetite is adequately sated.
10. Do not kiss on the first date, unless you have a desire to lose your lips. Real men wait until the third date to make such an aggressive move.
Good luck with your future relationship! I’m sure you’ll be very happy together. Be safe and remember to aim through the eye socket.
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